Mar 29, 2012

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Pushing Forward

Pushing Forward

Sometimes, I forget what it is I’m really doing here…. I can get caught up in all this DOing and forget about he BEing part of being a Human Being. My life tends to go in waves from not much going on to too much going on, and it can be easy to lose site of the fact that I am the one deciding.

During the end of Fall and start of Winter I let myself and my life settle a bit; I guess that is a natural reaction to that time of year. I spent a lot of time sitting and chatting with good friends; this was needed. I spend a lot of time on the computer. I spent a lot of time looking within. But then I couldn’t handle it any more and went full-force into making our life busy. It worked. For months I had homeschool activities outside the home planned on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and one Friday a month. I said yes to several projects regarding performance, and began assisting in a class and being on a new committee. I launched my website. I battled with our landlord (still going on….), making phone calls to lawyers and researching on the internet. I rearranged and organized at least four rooms in the house during all of this, getting rid of stuff, and finding belongings that had been hidden in the madness.

This felt good (mostly), for a bit, until I began getting overwhelmed, which is what I’m trying to come out of now; both energetically and physically (sinus infection, anyone?). So, what is my pattern? I get really jazzed about something, put a bunch of creative energy into it, and then….. I get distracted. Too many things to do to choose from. So I don’t look at my website (the thing I was most excited about because it is all about supporting ME) for a month. Or I forget to send out notes from a meeting that was really important. Or I put off practicing a song I need to and show up unprepared. Or I get flustered and anxiety sets in and I can’t even see what should be next on my list. When I let all of these pressures get to me, and I allow my stories of inefficiency to hold true in my mind, I can’t move forward; I’m stuck. I begin to believe the lies that everyone told me in my past: that I’m not good enough, that I won’t get to do what I want to do, that no one wants me around anyway.

Writing this blog entry is one of my ways of pushing forward. I have lots to do – oh yes. I have all three of my boys here this week to hang out with,  a script to memorize by Sunday, notes to send, and songs to memorize. I have laundry and dishes and vacuuming and all sorts of other things that are required of me each day. I have financial assistance paperwork to fill out for two different agencies and more stuff to organize and get rid of in the house. AND I have Me. And this inner yearning for expression and connection. I have this desire to connect with others via my website, my songs, my performance, and my presence. I have a desire to give of my gifts, whatever they are, to people who happily receive them.

So, despite all the “should’s” going through my mind, I am Pushing Forward in my online expression. Despite my mind wanting to make my website and it’s upkeep so big that I get scared and back away, I am here. I am saying something. I am being something. I am willing to Push Forward through my fears and stories and busy-ness and DO and BE what I know is mine to do and be. It isn’t always “easy”, but it sure is worth it.

Thanks for supporting this part of my expression. Now just remember to support yours!

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